By Joey
You know, music’s been around like… practically forever. People have been making music since they began banging sticks against cave walls; When kings were making fapping noises when their thighs pounded against their mistresses’ butt checks. What’s so great about music is that it’s such a diverse field. We’ve got rap, we’ve got country, blues, punk rock, indie rock, jazz… a countless list of music genres. It doesn’t matter what kind person you are--you’re bound to find something you like.
And hell, there have been some outstanding artists and bands throughout the revolution of music. Frank Sinatra’s soothing voice, the Beatles' catchy tunes, the voice given to punk rock by the John Lydon of the Sex Pistols, the anthems created by Public Enemy, and that’s just the tip of the ice berg.
Now, we all have our opinions about music, which is great. But you know what? Every single one of you is FUCKING WRONG! The Beatles… gay. The Ramones…. Lick butt hole. Depeche Mode…only bags of farts when you compare them to hands down, the most spectacular, dazzling, jaw-dropping music group in the history of the solar system: Anal Cunt.
Yeah, that’s right, butt plug, Anal Cunt. Why, you might ask? Well, I’ve made a list of the eight reasons that every other band pales in comparison to AxCx:
- Seth Putnam, front man of Anal Cunt, simply can’t die. It’s rumored that he’s been shot in the face with a .357 magnum over 183 times and has yet to even receive a scratch. Plus, Putnam’s diet consists solely of nails, lead, gasoline, and aborted fetus.
- They’ve written a song about everything. Yes, everything. For God’s sake, they even wrote a song about you. It’s called “You’re Dumb.”
- If you’re too lazy to go to your history class (which I don’t blame you, because history is for gay bags), Anal Cunt has a variety of songs that can teach you lessons about world history. My personal favorites are “Body by Auschwitz,” “Hitler was a Sensitive Man,” “I Sent Footage of Auschwitz into America’s Funniest Home Videos,” and “Dictators are Cool.”
- The wardrobe of every member (past or present) is comprised of hair that emulates the shaggy fur covering an ibex’s ass, Scandinavian speed metal band shirts, flannel jackets, sweat pants, and cowboy boots. Oh, and I’m pretty sure that they wear briefs, too. Even though briefs are for bus drivers, janitors, and fat dead beat dads, they still somehow get away with it without being gay.
- Seth Putnam hates everyone, everything, and everything in between. And by everything in between, I mean you’re extremely gay.
- When attending an Anal Cunt concert, you have an 87% chance of getting anally raped by a cactus. A living cactus, with a green cactus dick. It’s really long, too…. And it’s ALWAYS erect.
- Their logo is simply a butt hole and a chick’s semi-waxed beaver. Awesome.
- There’s a secret army of deep sea leprechauns that flies overhead in their virtual fighter jets shaped like butts just waiting on some idiot to mumble to his friends, “Yeah, Anal Cunt’s gay. Let’s listen to one of the 72 live Pearl Jam albums at my mom’s house while we jerk each other off in a circle and eat Fritos!!” So yeah, if you don’t like them, you’re pretty much fucked.
So if you’re sitting there, still questioning the fact that Anal Cunt is unquestionably the greatest band in the history of music, then you’re gay. Well, you were probably gay before you read this, so now you’re just really, really gay, and Pete Rose is going to body slam you into a garbage disposal.
