Bathroom Stall Graffiti

Alright, you silly bastards, you know you can’t lie about today’s topic. I don’t know about you guys, but I have this insurmountable fear of taking dumps in public. The actual act of defecation doesn’t exactly strike fear into my heart. I really think it’s the fact that… so many foreign, unfamiliar asses have graced the toilet seat that my tush is now resting on.

Oh yeah, and the fact that it’s still lukewarm from the doodie vapors permeating from inside the porcelain throne. Not to mention, there’s enough pubic hair resting on the brim of the bowl to cover a Cabbage Patch kid’s skull. There’s usually only 4 squares of TP left, barely enough to scrape all the melted Snicker’s surprises hiding in your sphincter (Yeah, I forgot to mention that chances are, your crap was super warm, so it burnt through the string thin butt paper, translating into your right hand turning into the infamous Asian “hygiene hand”). Blotches of urine staining the floor, used condoms left floating below your nut sack, left by the Neanderthal gas station attendant that spent the previous twenty minutes derailing his mom’s best friend's asshole. Man…. Public bathrooms have enough stuff in the stalls that can drive a man mad.

Oh trust me, this isn’t the cream of the crop though. You can bet your sweet ass that I’ve spent countless hours tucking my dick in between my legs as I decipher the scriptures of the ancient “Bathroom Stall Graffiti.” Honestly, have you ever really stopped and read through some of these literary masterpieces?

The first time I was truly introduced to the magic of these archaic restroom treasures was in the classic film Dumb and Dumber. You know the scene where Lloyd goes into the bathroom to wiz, and he ends up meeting up with Sea Bass for some “Manly Love.” Pure fucking genius. So after this point, I made sure to inspect every single stall every time I meandered my way into the doodie station. I did not want to miss a possible life altering quote, some ridiculous statistic about the girth of Andy Dick’s anus, or the phone number of a “transsexual rodent who can suck a 8-ball through a Pixie Stick.” This one time when I was 12, I got the recipe for “Butt-flavored chap stick” in the stall of a bathroom at some rest stop, just be peeking above the roll of toilet paper.

Honest to God people, if you’re like me, you should struggle with your fear of taking mondo shits in public. Well, either that, or just start pissing the stalls instead of at a urinal. I guarantee that your mind will be blown at truly amazing ancient scriptures of the Bathroom Stall Graffiti. The possibilities are endless: you could start a club called the Silly Poopers with your best friends and exchanged dumping techniques by writing your tips inside the roll of toilet paper or on the side of the condom dispenser. You can smear your dick grease all over the mirrors and spell crazy words like “Fun,” “Balloon Collection,” “Virtual Iguana Shit,” or even “My dick tastes like burnt hair.” Expand your horizons, folks. The possibilities of bathroom networking are nearly infinite.