Nick is a nice guy. He's a very nice guy. In fact, he's so nice that telling him to leave you alone breaks his heart. He would hang around myself and my friends, which was fine, but he had these annoying habits that made us want to keep him at a distance.
Nick: Hey, does anyone want to watch some Family Guy? I have the entire first season on DVD.
Johnny: Nah, not right now.
Nick: Okay.
[five minutes later]
Nick: So do you want to watch some Family Guy now?
Johnny: No, I really don't feel like watching Family Guy right now.
Nick: Okay.
[six minutes later]
Nick: How about now? Do you want to watch some Family Guy now?
Johnny: No! Stop asking me! I don't want to watch Family Guy right now!
Nick: [upset] What the hell are you yelling at me for? I was just asking!
Stuff like that was a semi-weekly occurance. Or maybe something like this.
[something fun is happening in the room]
Nick: Did you see that Family Guy, where... uh... where Peter... [whatever Peter did that week], and he was all like, "[really bad comedic timing of a Peter Griffin quote]." Wasn't that funny?
Joey: [ignores]
Nate: [annoyed]
Johnny: [more annoyed]
This occured more than once a day. Occasionally, this would happen instead:
Nick: Did you see that Family Guy where [something not that exciting]?
Joey: [annoyed] Yes!
Nick: No you haven't! You're just saying you have!
Joey: [annoyed] Actually, I really have seen it.
Nick: [spiteful] Oh, okay! If you've really seen it, then what happened when [plot point] happened? Huh?!
So that went on for a while. We could have just told him to fuck off. We could have never allowed him to come into our rooms, but we just didn't have the hearts. Nick was a new student that semester and didn't have any friends at school. Who really wants to be the guy that tells the new kid that he's a fuckbag? It's not that Nick is a douchebag--he just doesn't understand his own faults. He can't take a hint on when he's being obnoxious, but if you flat-out tell him, he gets upset and defensive. The general consensus was this:
Nathan: He should major in 'Not being such a woman'.
One day, near the end of the academic year, almost everyone on my floor was verbally owning Nick, myself being the exception (I almost felt sorry for him--it was like dropping a poodle from the window of a four story building, only not funny). Later on, Nick was playing Super Smash Brothers with Joey, Nate, Ryne, and myself. He kind of invited himself, but whatever. We were having fun putting vulgar words in, like "PISS," "PUBE," and "CUNT." Nick played the maturity card, and put in "NICK." The others started talking about how all of the words fit together, and I played along. Nick got VERY pissed, mostly due to my mirth.
Nick: I'm serious, if you say that one more time, I'm going to shove this hot dog in your face.
Nick had a hot dog that he had bought from downstairs. I wasn't really concerned, though. We started playing. All of the sudden, in the middle of a match, an event occurred that sealed Nick's status in the mind of myself and my friends:
Johnny: [spontaneous laughter] Piss, Pube, Nick... all parts of the vagina!!!
At this point, Nick grabbed his half-eaten hot dog and smashed it into the side of my face. Needless to say, I'm pissed, and all of my friends are pissed.
Johnny: What the fuck is wrong with you?!
Nick: [righteous] I said that I would do it if you didn't stop.
Joey: Don't be such a fucking baby.
Nate-o: [I don't remember what he said]
After the match ended, I evil-eyed him for about two minutes until he finally got up and left, and I washed my face off and returned to the game. I'm told that I showed "incredible restraint" for not punching him out. Anyway, after that incident, I felt no need to put up with Nick's nonsense anymore.
Toward the end of the year, Joey started saying that Nick and Sponge (a friend of mine) sleep Butt-to-Face. At the start of this year, we thought it would be funny if we actually made a website called Butt2Face. Eventually, Nick discovered this site.
Nick, being a de-facto woman, recently called me in my room and wanted to discuss this web site. This, of course, troubled me greatly, because my roommate had just secured a high-resolution bootleg of Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children, and we were all very anxious to see it. Therefore, when I picked up the phone, the conversation went something like this:
Me: Hello?
Nick: Johnny?
Me: (fuck.) Yeah?
Nick: Molly said that you told me to call you to talk about the website.
Me: What-- ...No! What the fuck! This is the worst possible time ever!
I then slammed the phone down and we unpaused the movie. Two days later, he called again. Why? Because he was still angry about his name being associated with face-to-ass matrimony.
Me: Hello?
Nick: Johnny?
Me: (goddammit) Yeah, what's up?
Nick: Molly said that you wanted to talk to me about the website.
Me: No, she definately didn't say that. I simply said that it was a waste of time to talk to her.
Nick: Well, anyway, I know about the website, and I was just wondering what you had to say about it.
Me: Well, it's kind of freedom of speech, so I don't really see that there's anything to discuss.
Nick: That's it?
Me: Yep.
Nick: (Some bullshit about me not being mature and being something or whatever)
Me: You know, you have got to learn to lighten up.
Nick: (More bullshit)
Me: For fuck sake, you need to stop acting like a fucking woman.
I hang up the phone again, thinking that he just might get the message and let it ride, but instead he instant messages me.
Nick: I think that joey is having a big influence on you. You used to be more mature.
Joey shows up and responds for me.
Me: B===D
Nick: Yeah, that's real mature.
At this point, I my girlfriend calls and asks me to escort her across the night campus, which I am more than happy to do.
Nick: Put me on your ignore list, because I don't plan on talking to you anymore.*pause*Note that in this whole conversation I never once insulted you. *pause* Now comes the part where you get your last words in and log off.
Me: I'm going to go.
With that, I slip my shoes on and head out the door to pick up my girlfriend. When I come back, I am treated to a huge paragraph about how Nick is disappointed in my reasons for the website, and he wishes me the best, and a bunch of other high-horse butt licking. Every now and again, I see him coming to or from classes. He'll usually pretend to not notice me. Or, if he does, he glares at me like I sodomized his father. I just give him my "I really don't care" face and keep on moving.
11/3/05 Update
Nick said that I can have my website. Thanks, Nick. You're the best.
I've got something for you.
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