You're a woman. All your life your parents are telling you how much to respect your bodies. No lifting your skirt up. Semper Ubi Sub Ubi. And above all, don't let the boys touch you.
Guys can get a little touchy-feeley on dates, which women don't like. They tend to send off subtle signals, but some guys don't know how to take a hint. But women are subtle in nature. The man's inability to pick up on their unspoken language is unacceptable; they won't make a good husband, and they sure-as-shit would be a deadbeat dad. "We should just be friends."
Those dagger-edged words. Women use them to let men rot as sad, old bastards.
That's where I come in. I've taken the liberty of drawing some diagrams for your benefit. Do you find yourself unknowing of where the limits lay? It's complicated, so I've drawn out all the scenarios. It's like solving a rubik's cube.
Your results will vary; every woman is different, but this is a good generic template to start with.
This is a guide to properly taking it slow.
ORLLY?? If she's really a slut then why can't you get her? Rhetoric wins. Take it slow, shithead. Until you're in the stage of going up for coffee, this is a HANDS GUIDE ONLY.
One handshake. Make eye contact, say "Nice to meet you," and let go. That's it. Stay at least arm's-length away from her when standing, and do not cross over your chair or couch cushion's vertical plane when sitting. Heeding this guideline allows migration to "friend." Disregarding leads to her avoiding you and a development of your reputation as a "creepy fuck" without your knowledge.
Do you see a theme? Just because she's pleasant with you doesn't mean she's sharing her personal space.
Hugs, rubs on the shoulder or leg, general encroachment, these are all off limits. You'll try to justify it to others and yourself with "She's just a friend. I'm just being friendly."
To test this theory, ask yourself, "If it was a guy, would I be doing this stuff?"
Busted, you big queer. Don't touch her more than you touch a guy, because you're only fooling yourself.
Take note that not much has changed between "friend" and "first date." She's agreeing to socialize with you, not let you feel her up. Women are attracted to strong men for a reason: they feel protected. Making an early move on a girl makes her feel very unprotected, and worse, that she needs protection from guys like you.
Congrats, you didn't scare her off yet.
You're rewarded with slightly more access to her head and arms on date #2.
So stop staring at her tits. She knows what you're doing, and she doesn't like it. You've only bought her two dinners and some movie tickets. If you think this entitles you to pillage her face, you've got your exchange rates all screwed up.
At the end of date #3 she should be receptive toward a few kisses and some arm-around-shoulder action, and if you're lucky, some OUTER thigh touching. Now you're either scaring her off or showing she can trust you to take it slow.
Under no circumstanses does the bathing suit area get touched on date #3, no matter how much you think she now trusts you. If you do, everything you've done will magically vanish and you have to go back to the "first date" chart, like the dog you are.
Good work, she's invited you into her fortress of solitude. But don't let the cooler zone colors fool you: the stakes are higher than ever.
In this Man's World, women can feel like they have little control. Therefore, women take extra special care to control how much of her body you get. She may not realize it but she's testing to see if you respect these boundaries.
Yes, it's true, her body language is probably telling you otherwise. She could be having the time of her life, wanting you to go further. But her instinct will ultimately tell her to cut you off right when you think you're unrestricted. All her life she's been trained to keep others away for her own protection.
She'll put her hand on your hand and subtly guide it away from the restricted zone. Once you're back in approved areas, DON'T LEAVE THEM AGAIN. She's making her point: she owns her body, not you. Don't argue with it.
This is actually a good opportunity to voluntarily stray back into green zones, paying them the most attention. A foot massage will be greatly appreciated, especially if she's been in heels.
Abide by the diagram's warning: when she moves your hand away, you've been denied passage to the next diagram, and you must repeat this one on the next date. For this reason, you may be required to repeat this step up to 30 times. If you ignore this, you will automatically fail.
Hooray, second base. Now she's starting to trust you. She may or may not be ready for sex. If not, back the fuck off and stick to familiar territory. Again, this step may require several repeats.
Hooray, serious relationship. Congratulations, you've proved that you're a MAN. This chart will be a good guide up through marriage.
But maybe you're looking for something else. I've prepared alternate charts for various situations.
So you need a slut...fine. You're so awesome, you don't need these rules. Fuck Johnny and his weak-assed syncophantic horse shit. If you want it, you've got it.
Your penis will rot off.
Or maybe you and a female are both in it for the hollywood-style underwater slo-mo sex. I've got just the thing for you.
A fuck buddy will NEVER entertain the idea of a serious relationship--not with you. She sees you as a guy with no soul...a guy who thinks of her as a sexual object with some human traits. You'll trick yourself into believing, though, and you'll get shot down, because you didn't listen to me, you dumb fuck.
If you've got a girl who is of a very pure mind, you can find yourself in this:
Some of you can't handle this. I understnad; you don't buy a car without a test drive. Luckily, sometimes "saving myself for marriage" means something else entirely...
...you sick fuck
Knowing is half the battle. The other half is this:
And remember, you can do it. Hey, your dad did. (maybe)
Email Johnny at cyberpants@gmail.com