My name is Johnny. I live on the little black line that separates Portugal and Spain. It's surprisingly spacious, but gets very hot in the summer. I'm pretty fortunate to be a white guy, because people often shout racist jokes at my black neighbor, like "Hey, don't lie down or you'll disappear!" To show solidarity with my black neighbor I sometimes roll around in a bucket of black paint and lie down, so I really do disappear. My black neighbor always gets a kick out of that, but only because the Portugese trade caravan doesn't see me and invariably runs me over.
I enjoy giving myself as much credit as possible, especially when I get to make up official-sounding titles for myself. I am the creator, proprietor, chief editor, webmaster, proofreader, beta tester, developer, director, financial coordinator, publicist, distributor, benefactor, recruiter, pederast, contributor, columnist, photographer, pube factory, graphic designer, debugger, customer support, ombudsperson, timekeeper, maintainer, formatter, resource coordinator, filmographer, color tester, fluffer, enforcer, legal advisor, researcher, creative advisor, chief executive officer, accountant, future advisor, morale officer, historian, efficiency expert, musician, translator, audio engineer, compatability expert, coder, president, consoier, moderator, staff, admin, tutor, cum dumpster, litigator, overseer, polisher, and overall owner of Butt2Face dot com. I also enjoy rock carving, playing piano, video games, and learning disorders.
Born to parents Mega Man and Helen Keller at the top of Olympus Mons in 1958, Joey Minutillo is a world-renowned Buddhist, ethnographer, bearded clam pounder, poet, baseball historian, and also holds 18 “sexual” world records, including the longest “rusty trombone.“ At age 7, Joey single handedly defeated the fascist regime of virtual turd hypnodancers and the imperial army of flying Butts with nothing but a red Nerf sword, bag of pork rinds, and a semi-flaccid penis. In 1969, Minutillo attended Woodstock and literally played the electric dick guitar for the entire three day duration of the festival, but was overshadowed by Jimi Hendrix and Cream.
During the 1980s, Minutillo founded a company on the remote island of Formosa that built faceable life-sized teddy bears with Fleshlight inserts as butt holes and vaginas. After making his first 18 billion dollars, Minutillo purchased the Taj Mahal, the Sphinx, four-fifths of the Great Wall of China, and even the very last dinosaur. As the 90s progressed, Minutillo blew all of his money on practical jokes, production funds to film him dancing completely naked in heavily populated metropolitan areas, and paying little kids to go up and credit card complete strangers with cacti. Completely broke, and addicted to Count Chocula, Minutillo resurrected his career by setting yet another world record. This time he held the world’s largest party inside a gigantic fort of blankets, pillows, and couch cushions. At the party, entire pizzas and huge beer steins of root beer were served as hors devours. At least 98,498 celebs showed up, and the entire crowd was treated to the round after round of cock fighting.
Currently, Minutillo is married to the Queen of Minnesota and has a litter of 19 hermaphroditic Venus Flytraps. He lives in a massive underground Aztec pyramid with an army of cybernetic gonads, his roommate John Murdock, and a wax statue of Jesus Christ. He’s filming a retrospective view of the Khmer Rouge history, entitled High Fives for Pol Pot, staring Adrien Brody and Patrick Stuart as the voice of God. To this day, he is the only person to survive spinning around in an atom smasher, go over Niagara Falls in a Victorian-style bathtub, and can take all three bottom blocks out from under the stack of Jenga tiles.
Email Johnny at cyberpants@gmail.com